The Flirt-Off
by TheDailyKnight
Summary: Merthur, AU, Canon-era. Arthur gets bored and decides to challenge Merlin to an impromptu flirt-off to pass some time. Just a one-shot drabble which came from wondering how cheesy Arthur's chat-up lines could be made. Enjoy. As usual, no copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing with them.


**The Flirt-Off**

"What did you just say to me?"

Arthur doubled back to the doorway he'd just walked out of as Merlin looked up from scrubbing the floor.

"I said, Merlin, apart from being beautiful, what else do you do for a living?"

Merlin signed and put the scrubbing brush down. He turned his attention to Arthur and gave him his best, really? look. It was almost out-shone by the blonds' teasing grin.

"And you said that because..."

"I wondered how you would take it."

"Ah. Is this something new you're going to add to our relationship? I thought you already had enough cheese in your shoes without wanting to add more to your life."

Arthur laughed as Merlin winked at him.

"Is that meant to be cute or disgusting?" he asked, taking a few steps closer to his manservant.

"Can't I be both at once?"

"Not in a chat-up line."

"Really? Sure about that, are you?"

"Yes."

"Arthur, if you were a bogey, you'd be the one I'd pick first."

Arthur stared at him for a few long moments.

"I will beat you on that... you know that, don't you?"

"Cool. When? I'm still waiting."

Arthur threw his arms wide.

"Merlin," he said, pointing his fingers at himself, "are you challenging me to a flirt-off?"

"No. I hate to see Princes lose."

Arthur's jaw dropped and he laughed. "Merlin, you couldn't beat the love machine."

"I thought I did last night when we-"

"-That doesn't count. So, you think you can beat me? Really? You wish."

Merlin stood up and slowly stalked around his prince, smiling as he said, "Arthur, you are the reason Santa has a naughty list."

"Heaven's missing an angel," countered Arthur, rotating to follow Merlin's slowly paced circle.

"Oh dear... is that all you've got? What's a nice man like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?"

"Was your Dad a baker? Only you have nice buns."

"Oh, it's like that, is it Arthur?"

"Yes."

Merlin started to circle the opposite way as he said, "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

"I've noticed you noticing me, Merlin, and I'm giving you notice that I've noticed you."

"Please don't tell me you've used that on somebody!"

Arthur had the good grace to look at least a little embarrassed as he continued, "If I followed you home would you keep me?"

"My magical clock tells me you aren't wearing any underwear, Arthur."

Arthur frowned and grinned. "I am, Merlin."

"Oh, sorry. It must be an hour fast."

Arthur groaned as Merlin chuckled.

"Merlin, that one should come it a warning stamped all over it."

"Blame it on Gwaine."

"I always do."

"Good."

"Do you sleep on your stomach, Merlin?"

"No."

"Can I?"

Merlin gagged as Arthur continued, "Hey, Merlin, keep it quiet but I'm completely naked under these clothes."

"Oh dear lord, no! Please! Stop!"

"Merlin?"

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. Go ahead: say no."

Merlin sprinted across the bedroom and covered both of his ears with one of Arthur's pillows. Arthur followed him, pushed him backwards onto the bed and straddled his hips as he wrestled the pillow from his hands.

"Mercy, Sire!"

"Is there a rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been seeking!"

"Oh, God, no!"

Merlin struggled to break free as Arthur pinned him down by his wrists.

"Is it hot in here, or is it just you?"

"Arthur, please, these lines are painful. Please let me go."

"Did the sun come up, or did you just smile at me?"

"No! Please! No more! I surrender!"

"Merlin?"

"What?"

"Where do you hide your wings?"

Merlin rolled his eyes and groaned as Arthur laughed. Merlin's gaze traveled over him and he sighed.

"What's wrong?" asked Arthur.

Merlin glanced up at him. "I've got a lovely view of your arms from here. I don't know... it's sad... all those curves and me with no brakes."

"If you were a wand, you'd be set to stun."

"They say milk does you good, but you're living proof!"

"Merlin, what's the time?"

"Two flirty and the date's with you!"

"Hey! Stop stealing my line!"

"Sorry. You asked."

"Are you impressed?"

"At what?"

"My ability to scale your battlements."

Merlin stared at him and groaned. "Arthur, that doesn't even make sense."

"No? You look like a damsel in distress. Why don't I save you?"

"Alright! I give up! You win!"

Arthur hopped off the sorcerer and spun around triumphantly, clapping his hands as Merlin got to his feet.

"Happy now?" he asked.

"Completely."

"Arthur?"

"Yes?"

"You know I'm a dragon lord?"

"Yes."

"And that saying that every knight is as hard as his armor?"

"I'd not heard that before, but it's true, of course."

They stared at each other, trying to keep straight faces as their eyes twinkled.

"And that it's not the size of the staff that matters but the magic contained within?"

Arthur raised his eyebrows playfully. "I do now."

"My dragon needs a cave to rest in."

Arthur moved closer to his favourite sorcerer and stroked his cheek.

"I think I know just the place."

"I knew you would."


End file.
